Greeting cards, condolence cards, COVID shortages

“History is the chronological arrangement of events that never happened.”

–Robert G. Ingersoll

An old family friend had passed away after a long illness and I thought I would send a condolence card.

I went to the store and stared in open-mouthed disbelief. They were out.

There were cards for every birthday permutation one could imagine. There were graduation cards. And promo cards and birthday cards and Thinking-of-You cards and new baby cards.

But no condolence cards.

At first I thought maybe I hadn’t kept pace and somehow sympathy cards aren’t considered politically correct anymore.

But none of the “SYMPATHY” cardboard sleeves had been removed. They were just empty.

When I got home, I checked my national newspaper archives and found articles from several months ago that mentioned the shortage and attributed it to the pandemic.

As usual, just speculation. No real data.

I went to another store and found a few, but it wasn’t really a selection. They all seemed mundane and overly dramatic.

So I sent my friend a personal note on regular stationery.

BACK AT THE RANCH: My wife wanted to see a nephew play at the high school prom about an hour away so I was left to eat alone.

I opted for a house mixed salad because I had already used my other “go-to” grub grab – a peanut butter and jelly sandwich – for lunch.

I found a bag of lettuce in the fridge. I also found these little mini tomatoes there. I sprinkled with raisins and drizzled with a blue cheese dressing that was only a few weeks past its best before date.

But it needed a little crunch, and I was out of crackers and had no croutons.

So, I sprinkled it with Honey Nut Cheerios that I found in the cupboard.

Worked well.

THE JOKE OF THE DAY: Here is one you may have read.

A major research institution (MRI) has announced the discovery of the heaviest chemical element ever known to science: governmentium.

Governmentium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 assistant neutrons and 11 assistant assistant neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called cretins, which are surrounded by vast amounts of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected because it prevents any reaction it comes into contact with.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of three years, but it does not decay. Instead, it undergoes a rearrangement in which part of the assistant neutrons and the adjunct neutrons switch places. In fact, the government’s mass will increase over time since each reorganization will cause some morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of goon promotion leads some scientists to speculate that government forms whenever goons reach a certain amount of concentration.

Mika R. Pyle